seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
