Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
