I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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