New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
