There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
