Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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