He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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