Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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