i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just invented taco cereal.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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