Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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