At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
