Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
3pm strippers are depressing
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
