I wish I could punch you in the face.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
