apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
