if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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