How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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