Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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