Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
