i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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