Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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