I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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