I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
