awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
