Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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