if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
