Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
