I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
