Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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