shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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