Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
