I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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