when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Randomize
