You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
