I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
