we made out on top of his cat.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dicks are not precious.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
