I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
