i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
