Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
