Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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