I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
