I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
