a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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