I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
