If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
