What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
