I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
