Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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