I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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