i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You are the jesus of drinking
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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