Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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