I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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